I deserve to be happy

or how i managed to get over a weekend without arguments or screaming ..i belive that this ignore mode might work if i really stick to it and I don't misbehave like i usually do .

short term targets : -concentrate on my children s childhood -lough more -sing in my car more often -dance again even if I'm clueless and anti talent at dancing -buy a cheap Christmas tree..a real one

This morning

This morning I was driving, on my way to work. I called my future to be ex-husband from the car. I asked him for the email with the list of the accounts I need in order to pay for the electricity & all. Very bored about this subject about which we've been debating for more than a month now,he declined me immediately. Then I have asked him if he can pick up our sun and take him to the swimming pool this evening ..and he said "yeah I will try". Next I have asked him where are the rain boots he has promised to buy for our little baby girl more than two weeks ago...and the winter boots I have asked him to buy cheaper from Decathlon..he hang up on me..I called again...he didn't answer and so on and so forth. I have struggled not to get mad..at phrases said at 10:30AM like "say fast what you need, I am busy to get to work" after I have taken care of two kids and took one to his kinder garden and still surfing through traffic to get to work... a work I depend upon in order to raise my kids ..while he went to bed at a time of his choice and woke up late just because he is too lazy to wake up earlier ...you should show a little more respect for the woman who raises your kids if you don't take the blame that you have neglected her as a woman in a moment in life when she needed you most.

rewind in order to go on

Why am I doing this ? because I need to figure out a way to go on and stop caring. I need to figure out a way to be happy again without him. I need to understand that its over and that he does not want me back and that he never wanted me for real..it was just a short illusion in which only I got too involved and ended up caring and hurting like Im hurting now. Does he still love me ? NO. Do I still love him ..clearly yes from the quantity of pain he produces in me every time I need him back and he pushes himself further and further away. How do I stop loving him even after the divorce? This is in fact the question for which I need to find an answer in order to cure myself. I need to convince myself that its not him whom I need but the attention and care and emotions of which he has deprived me for so long... every time we had a fight it was due to the lack of attention he has provided me. this is just the beginning of a new begginning.